Jokes from the Edinburgh Fringe

I don’t know about you, but I love a good joke, the sort that makes you laugh until tears run down your face and your sides start hurting. Some people just seem to have the knack of “being funny” and making people laugh appears to come naturally to them. I used to work with a girl who had the most infectious laugh, when she started laughing it would spread across the office. Even people who had no idea what she was laughing at would join in. They say that laughing is good for the soul, and it certainly makes you feel good. I’m sure that following a 10 minute laughing session our little office was at its most productive.

Last week, I was browsing the B.B.C. news website, and came across an article which listed the top 10 jokes from the Edinburgh Fringe Festival this year. For those who haven’t come across it before, the Edinburgh Fringe Festival is one of the largest arts festivals in the world. It’s a place where people from all countries and cultures come together to celebrate the arts. There are hundreds of comedy, cabaret, music, theatre and children’s’ shows, held in many venues across Edinburgh. A marvellous event!

Anyway, back to the top ten jokes. I have to confess when I read the article, although sitting alone at my computer, some of them actually made me laugh out loud (especially number 2 and number 8). This is why I wanted to share them with you.

Here we go (courtesy of bbc.co.uk):

1.  Rob Auton - "I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa."

2. Alex Horne - "I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying." 

3. Alfie Moore - "I'm in a same-sex marriage... the sex is always the same." 

4. Tim Vine - "My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him 'Don't be Sicily'." 

5. Gary Delaney - "I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell." 

6. Phil Wang - "The Pope is a lot like Doctor Who. He never dies, just keeps being replaced by white men." 

7. Marcus Brigstocke - "You know you are fat when you hug a child and it gets lost." 

8. Liam Williams - "The universe implodes. No matter." 

9. Bobby Mair - "I was adopted at birth and have never met my mum. That makes it very difficult to enjoy any lapdance." 

10. Chris Coltrane - "The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that you basically get it back immediately."       

I hope you have had a little chuckle looking at these! If you have any jokes that you would like to share, post them in the comments box. Perhaps in the future we can look at readers’ jokes on another blog – what do you think? Who knows perhaps we will see one of you appearing at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival in years to come.

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Canoodling with a Dollop of Codswallop!

A bit of summer madness, let’s have a look at some silly sounding words. These are perfectly good English words that are fine to use, not rude or swear words but just sound a bit funny! They are the kind of words that can bring a smile to your face and surely that has to be a good thing!

Okay so what kind of words am I talking about? Well the first one that springs to mind is canoodle, meaning to have a bit of a kiss and cuddle. I love canoodling don’t you? The funny thing is I just can’t say the word without smiling; it’s such a happy sounding word. The word dates back to the mid 19^th century but the origins are unknown. There is a folk story that suggests it goes back to the time when young lovers escaped from their chaperones by jumping on canoes and rowing away. Whether or not this is true I have no idea, but how romantic is that?

 

Here’s another good one for you, codswallop. If someone is saying something that is nonsense or rubbish you may say “you are talking a load of codswallop!”  It is British slang for something that makes no sense at all. This is a term that all you Harry Potter fans will be familiar with, as it is said by Hagrid on many occasions. A very expressive word but we have to ask ourselves where does it come from? The honest answer is the etymology is unknown. However there is a story that dates back to the 1870’s which refers to a British soft drink maker Hiram Codd, who patented a bottle for fizzy drinks with a marble in the neck which kept the bottle shut by the pressure of the gas until the marble was pressed inwards. Wallop is known to have been a slang term for beer, and it is suggested that codswallop became used by beer drinkers as a derogatory term for weak or gassy beers, or for soft drinks. However, there are flaws to this argument as the word is not recorded anywhere until 1959, a long time after Codd’s invention. Also there are no examples of the word being spelled as “coddswallop”. Why we started using this word I have no idea, but I love that it sounds so silly!

 

How about dimple? Isn’t that an odd sounding word? A dimple is a small hollow or crease found naturally in soft tissue on the human body, especially on the cheeks or chin. Often a little dimple may appear in the cheeks when someone is smiling. They may be a permanent feature, or may appear and disappear over time. The word can also be used to refer to slight depressions or indentations on other materials, such as those found on a golf ball. Just as an aside, think of how many great actors have dimpled chins. I’ll give you a start with Cary Grant, Colin Firth, Kirk Douglas and Ben Affleck, but there are many, many more.   

 

The last on my list for today is dollop, what a strange sounding word that is. You may have a dollop of ice-cream or a dollop of jam on top of your pudding. It is a term that refers to a large portion of something, usually soft and squishy. It often refers to food, but can also be used in other circumstances such as dollops of wet mud. The idea of a dollop is certainly not a delicate, weighed out portion, but rather a large shapeless mass. If you put a big spoon into an ice-cream container and pulled out the largest amount you could, that would make a good dollop! Go on give it a go – you know you want to!       

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Time for Eastern European Football Club Names - And The Stories Behind Them

As the football season gears up for another 9 months entertaining the world, I thought it would be a good time to revisit our occasional series on the origins and histories of football club names. I don’t know about you, but I have often wondered about where some of the eastern European clubs acquired their interesting names, like Spartak, Dynamo and Torpedo.

In its simplest form the answer is that the football clubs were formed by national sports societies in the former Soviet Union, and the communist countries of eastern Europe. All sport in the Soviet Union was amateur until it was realised that sporting success was a great advertisement for the USSR, and professionalism improved the chances of success! But this explanation does hide some interesting stories.

Most of these sports societies were formed by industrial trade unions; hence you will not be surprised that the Lokomotiv sports society was formed by the rail workers’ unions. However, this being the Soviet Union, all of the trade unions were state sponsored so ownership of the sports clubs was actually vested in the various government departments. This led to some interesting situations. For instance the Dynamo Sports Club was owned and controlled by the Interior Ministry, and effectively was the sports club of the police. However Moscow Dynamo was adopted by the Cheka, the first Russian secret police and forerunner to the KGB! For some reason Moscow Dynamo was the most successful football club of the communist era, winning an amazing 11 Russian premier league titles, the Russian Cup 7 times, and the Russian Super Cup once. This is not to say that they were not a great team; as unknowns they toured the UK in 1945 where they comprehensively beat Arsenal and Cardiff City, and drew with Chelsea and Rangers. They were also runners up in the UEFA cup in 1972.

 

The Spartak sports club started life under the aegis of the food producing unions, although this was later extended to cover a range of industries. Subsequently the Spartak club came to represent the general population rather than just one industry. This did not stop Spartak Moscow gaining the nickname “the Meat”. The name Spartak was adopted as a reference to the Roman slave Spartacus, who whilst best known for his rebellion against Roman occupation, was also a renowned athlete. Interestingly, across the Soviet Union and eastern Europe large athletics and gymnastics tournaments and displays were known as Spartakiada.

The Torpedo sports club represented the automotive industry, and football clubs bearing the name Torpedo tended to form where there were large car, tractor or heavy vehicle factories. For those who remember the communist era cars, Lada, Wartburg, Zil, Trabant etc, the name Torpedo does seem rather like wishful thinking!

Let us end with a sad tale. Dynamo Kiev, which was founded in 1927 very quickly became a successful football team, and was one of the few teams that could compete with Dynamo Moscow. When the German Army invaded Ukraine in 1941 the team was disbanded and the players found other work. A number started working for a local bakery, and continued to play on an amateur basis. They quickly came to the attention of the occupying German forces, and were invited to play a “friendly” against an army team. The Ukrainian players adopted the team name “FC Start” and comprised 8 members of the former Dynamo Kiev team and 3 members from Lokomotiv Kiev. FC Start comprehensively defeated two teams from the German army, and twice defeated a Hungarian team. This brought them to the attention of the Luftwaffe, the German Air Force, who proposed a game against the unbeaten Flakelf team. This game was widely advertised, but the result was not. FC Start beat Flakelf twice in 2 weeks. On August 16 1942 FC Start beat Rukh 8-0, and starting on 18 August 1942 the FC Start team members were systematically arrested, tortured and imprisoned. While contemporary accounts vary it appears that at least two players died under torture, and three more players died in Syrets labour camp. This game became known as the “Death Match” and was a game of life and death indeed! It is widely believed that this incident was the inspiration for the movie Escape to Victory, but being a Hollywood version of the story there is no mention of the Ukraine, or the teams from Kiev!

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The Owl and the Pussycat - a Bit of Nonsense

Here we are at the weekend again, so let’s celebrate with a bit of nonsense! Today I want to share with you one of my favourite poems ever – The Owl and the Pussycat by Edward Lear. I came across this poem for the first time when I was about seven years old and loved it – and still do to this day!   

The Owl and the Pussy Cat went to sea
In a beautiful pea-green boat,
They took some honey, and plenty of money
Wrapped up in a five-pound note.
The Owl looked up to the stars above,
And sang to a small guitar,
"O lovely Pussy, O Pussy, my love,
What a beautiful Pussy you are,
You are,
You are!
What a beautiful Pussy you are!"

Pussy said to the Owl, "You elegant fowl!
How charmingly sweet you sing!
O let us be married! too long we have tarried:
But what shall we do for a ring?"
They sailed away, for a year and a day,
To the land where the Bong-tree grows
And there in a wood a Piggy-wig stood
With a ring at the end of his nose,
His nose,
His nose,
With a ring at the end of his nose.

"Dear Pig, are you willing to sell for one shilling
Your ring?" Said the Piggy, "I will."
So they took it away, and were married next day
By the Turkey who lives on the hill.
They dined on mince, and slices of quince,
Which they ate with a runcible spoon;
And hand in hand, on the edge of the sand,
They danced by the light of the moon,
The moon,
The moon,
They danced by the light of the moon.

The author of this marvelous work Edward Lear (1812 – 1888) was an artist and an illustrator as well as an author and poet. However he is best known for his “literary nonsense” especially his limericks. Indeed in 1946 he published “A Book Of Nonsense” which was a volume of limericks, including:

There was an Old Man with a nose,                                      
Who said, 'If you choose to suppose,
That my nose is too long,    

                                                   
You are certainly wrong!'
That remarkable Man with a nose.

Pure nonsense and pure brilliance! He illustrated his own work which as you can see adds to the comical notion.

In his work Lear used both real and imaginary words to great effect. In the Owl and the Pussycat he talks of the characters dining and eating with a “runcible” spoon. This is an example of one of Lear’s made up words. There is no absolute definition of what is meant by the word runcible but it appears in other of Lear’s works when he talks of a “runcible” hat, a “runcible” cat, a “runcible” goose and a “runcible” wall. Modern dictionaries have offered different definitions, but personally I quite like that this word can mean whatever you want it to. It must be remembered that Lear wrote for children and maybe the magic of his work can be best understood in the imagination of the young!

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Evelyn Waugh - More Than Just Brideshead!

So it’s a new week, and time to look at another famous British writer. Today we are going to take a quick peek at the novelist Evelyn Waugh (1903 -1966). Once again I can promise a bit of gossip and scandal, which does seem a common theme when looking at our great writers!

Arthur Evelyn St. John Waugh (known as Evelyn) was the second son born to Arthur and Charlotte Waugh. He is considered as one of the giants of 20^th Century literature, with much of his work still in print today. Waugh’s many novels include “Decline and Fall” (1928), “Vile Bodies”(1930),  “A Handful of Dust” (1934), “Scoop” (1938), “Brideshead Revisited” (1945), “Sword of Honour - Men at Arms” (1952) “Officers and Gentlemen” (1955) and “The Ordeal of Gilbert Pinfold” (1957). It must be noted that his elder brother Alec, was also a successful writer, although his work is not as well known as Evelyn’s.

It is a shame that Waugh did not live to see some of his work dramatised and shown on television. It would have been good to hear his views on the BBC’s adaptation of Sword of Honour in 1967, and the success of Granada’s adaptation of Brideshead Revisited in 1981. This serial was hugely popular in both Britain and America, and introduced a whole new generation to Waugh’s work. Brideshead Revisited is an historical novel which tells a story of love, of class struggle, of disillusionment, of war. The television series was nominated for thirteen British Academy Television Wards (BAFTA’s), eleven Primetime Emmy Awards and three Golden Globe Awards and won the Broadcasting Press Guild Award for best drama series – wow! Following this success a British made film of “Brideshead Revisited” was released in 2008 to much acclaim at the box office.

Undoubtedly, Waugh had a way with words and has left us a whole host of quotes that are as true today as when he wrote them. One that springs to mind is “Don't hold your parents up to contempt. After all, you are their son, and it is just possible that you may take after them.” Still makes me chuckle! Another that brings a smile to my face has to be “I haven't been to sleep for over a year. That's why I go to bed early. One needs more rest if one doesn't sleep.” Bright, amusing and clever!

Anyway, you were promised a bit of gossip and scandal so I will give you a quick trip through Waugh’s adult life. Waugh studied at Oxford University; although he only managed a 3^rd class degree as his time was not spent so much on formal studies as in drinking and debating with his circle of friends. Indeed, it is possible that this is when his alcohol dependency first began. During this period he also engaged in several homosexual relationships.

For a short time Waugh worked as a teacher and later a journalist. He married Evelyn Gardner in 1928, and amongst friends the couple was known as the He – Evelyn and the She- Evelyn. However the marriage did not last and Waugh filed for divorce in 1929, following his wife’s admission of adultery. Later this marriage would be annulled.

Following the annulment Waugh married Laura Herbert in 1937. Within Laura’s family there was a certain amount of hostility to the wedding, not least because she was a cousin of his first wife Evelyn. However the marriage survived and the couple produced seven children, one of whom died in infancy.

It must be noted that Waugh’s life was plagued with a dependency on alcohol and drugs to relieve his insomnia and depression. In 1954 he suffered a breakdown believing that he was being possessed by devils. Doctors found that it was in fact the result of bromide poisoning, due to his drug regime. Following this episode he was restored back to health, but Waugh was an old man before his time, and was in poor health as he approached his sixties. Evelyn Waugh died of heart failure on Easter Sunday 1966 aged 62 years.   

Evelyn Waugh created real life characters in his novels. He used his own experiences and borrowed characteristics from people he met to produce truly believable people, whom his readers can relate to. Whilst at Oxford University he had a major falling out with one of his tutors called Cruttwell, who tried to get Waugh to change his ways and study harder. It amuses me that in many of his early novels there appears a minor ludicrous character of this name!  If you fancy reading a great bit of English literature then you may wish to try a novel by Waugh.    

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George Eliot - A Thoroughly Modern Millie!

Okay so the weekend is once more upon us and time for a little more culture and also a bit of a gossip – oh yes the author we are looking at today certainly raised a few eyebrows in her time! George Eliot was the penname used by Mary Anne Evans (also known as Marian Evans), who was one of the leading writers of the Victorian era.  Mary Anne Evans (1819 – 1880) wrote seven novels including Adam Bede (1859), The Mill on the Floss (1860), Silas Marner (1861) and the work she is best known for Middlemarch (1871/72).  Most of her novels were set in middle England and are known for their realism and the psychological insight into their complicated characters. Her last novel, Daniel Deronda was published in 1876 and is the only one set in the contemporary Victorian society of her day.

You may be wondering why Mary Anne decided to use a male penname for her work, as in Victorian England it was not unusual for a women to be published. Maybe the answer can be found in one of the essays she wrote for the Westminster Review in 1856 entitled “Silly Novels by Lady Novelists”. The essay criticised the trivial plots of stories by lady novelists. Mary Anne was a questioner and a free spirit who did not want to be confined to the romantic notions associated with the female writers of that time. She appreciated, strove for, and achieved realism in her novels, and maybe believed that writing using a male name would help her to be taken seriously.   

You were promised a bit of gossip about our much acclaimed author and so here it goes! Mary Anne met George Henry Lewes (1817-1878) in 1851. Lewes was a leading philosopher, and a literary and theatre critic. He was also married. It is believed that the Lewes had an open marriage, that is one where both partners were free to develop other relationships, and that as well as their own three children his wife had given birth to several other children by another man (or men?). By 1854 George Lewes and Mary Anne Evans were living together as man and wife. Now we all know that in the Victorian era it was not unusual for people to have extra marital affairs, but these were usually carried out in a discreet manner. What was unusual, and caused quite a scandal among her family and some friends, was the openness in which Mary Anne and Lewes conducted their relationship. They considered themselves married and she often referred to herself as Marian Evans Lewes and to him as her husband.  Mary Anne and George lived together for over twenty years until his death in 1878.

Mary Anne continued her controversial lifestyle when she married John Cross, a man twenty years younger than herself, in May1880. At least this legal marriage helped to placate some of her family members, in particular her brother. Mary Anne now took on the name of Cross. However, in December of the same year she passed away at the age of sixty one, after suffering for some time from kidney disease. Her wish had been to be buried at Westminster Abbey; however this was denied due to her denial of the Christian faith and her “irregular” relationship with Lewes. Instead she is buried in Highgate Cemetery, London, next to George Henry Lewes, in an area reserved for religious dissenters.  I think it would have pleased her immensely that in 1980, to mark the century of her death, a memorial stone was erected in her honour in Poets’ Corner at Westminster Abbey.   

As an extra treat I have included a clip from the BBCs 1994 adaptation of Middlemarch. Enjoy!  

  

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Daniel Defoe - International Man of Mystery

How about a little more culture and a quick look at another famous British author, this time Daniel Defoe. Daniel Foe, the son of a butcher was born in London in or around 1660. He later altered his surname by adding the “De” to make the more aristocratic “Defoe”, and indeed on occasions claimed descent from the De Beau Faux family. Defoe trained as a minister but changed his mind and indeed enjoyed many careers in his lifetime including trader, writer, journalist, pamphleteer and spy. He also spent some time in prison. He passed away in 1731 after living a long, full life, although often marred by debt.

Defoe’s contribution to British culture is unquestionable. He is among the founders of the English novel as well as being considered the founder of British journalism. Defoe may be remembered best for his novels, but he was a prolific writer, having written more than 500 books, pamphlets and journals on a whole range of diverse subjects including politics, crime, marriage, religion, economics, psychology and the supernatural!

In 1685 Defoe took part in the Monmouth rebellion and joined William lll and his advancing army. He became popular with the King after the publication of his most well known poem “The True Born Englishman” in 1701. This satirical poem attacks those who were prejudiced against having a King who was of foreign birth (King William lll was Dutch).  Defoe made it clear that the poem was not an attack on Englishness but on xenophobia. He argued that the English nation was a product of various incoming racial groups, from Ancient Britons to Anglo-Saxons, Normans and beyond. Therefore to abuse newer arrivals was a nonsense. Below is an extract from the poem to give you a flavour of the content:

Thus from a mixture of all kinds began, 
That het’rogeneous thing, an Englishman: 
In eager rapes, and furious lust begot, 
Betwixt a painted Britain and a Scot.
Whose gend’ring off-spring quickly learn’d to bow,
And yoke their heifers to the Roman plough: 
From whence a mongrel half-bred race there came,
With neither name, nor nation, speech nor fame.
In whose hot veins new mixtures quickly ran,
Infus’d betwixt a Saxon and a Dane.
While their rank daughters, to their parents just,
Receiv’d all nations with promiscuous lust.
This nauseous brood directly did contain
The well-extracted blood of Englishmen.

Maybe his words are as true today as they were then!

However as we have said, Defoe is probably best remembered for his novels. The best loved of all must be Robinson Crusoe, published in 1719. This story of a man shipwrecked on a desert island and his adventures is still popular with children and adults alike. The book has been made into a film (on more than one occasion) as well as a tv series and is enjoyed by many across the world.

Other novels by Defoe include Memoirs of a Cavalier (1720), A Journal of the Plague Year (1722) and Colonel Jack (1722). Interestingly, he also wrote two novels where women are the main characters, and the stories are written as though being told by the heroines.  Moll Flanders (1722) tells the story of the fall and redemption of a lone woman in the 17^th Century. Moll, although a prostitute, bigamist and thief manages to keep the reader’s sympathy and concern. This is a tribute to the way that Defoe has given an insight into her complex character.His final novel, Roxana : The Fortunate Mistress (1724), narrates the moral and spiritual decline of a high society courtesan.

If you are not familiar with the work of Daniel Defoe I would recommend that you check it out. It is  amazing to think that nearly 300 years after it was written his work is still read and appreciated.   

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